My Needle, My Love
by CapLovesHankandKel
Summary: Possible missing scene from "The Fix" which is my all time favorite episode. Hutch gets hooked on Heroin again and the aftermath from it. T rating just to be on the safe side.


(This muse was fueled by three different songs! "Crockett's Theme" by Jan Hammer which brings out the very darkest of my writing, "Couldn't Get It Right" by the Climax Blues Band which is always good for inspiring the muses for "The Fix" and finally "Still of the Night" by Whitesnake that quite often sends me to my own "Fix" universe. It goes without say this is a possible missing scene from "The Fix" but I am taking it a whole different direction so it may not be in context. I got to thinking what if Hutch couldn't stay clean? It was clear on "The Fix" he was addicted to the dam stuff. So I decided to venture into the unthinkable. This is done in Hutch's POV to show what a horrible grip Heroin had on him.

***Disclaimer*** Starsky, Hutch, Huggy and Cap do not belong to me. I wished they did but they don't. I promise not to hurt them too bad before I bring them back to you!!

My needle, my love. A cylinder with a plunger that controls me, my moods, my wants, my everything. This wasn't supposed to be like this. Lord God, it wasn't supposed to be like this. I've lost everything that ever mattered to me. I have often wondered how all this started in the first dam place. Well initially it was Ben Forest and Starsky and Huggy got me clean. Stayed that way for the longest time. It wasn't easy; I got cravings that sometimes drove me over the edge. But I fought those demons and more often than not won with a little help from my friends.

But then, somewhere along the way, I just must have lost my sanity because it snuck back up on me and took over my life. I was able to hide it for a good little while from Cap and Starsky. But one night, while on one hell of a good high, I got stupid and left the evidence in plain view and shit hit the fan big time. Starsky and me got into a knock down, drag out rock and roll party in the cage baby. I betrayed my very best friend and even in the fog of the high it hurt like hell. I swear I'd rather take a chainsaw to my left arm than to hurt him. Of course, he took it very hard. He yelled and cursed at me. I could have taken a chainsaw all over me easier than Starsk yelling at me and cursing at me although beyond a shadow of a doubt I seriously deserved it. I asked him what he was going to do now that my "dirty little secret" was out and he looked at me and said "Just what the f*** do you think?!?" and I told him I didn't know; what was why I was asking him in the first f***ing place!

Tears of absolute anger and betrayal fell from his eyes and I gave him time to sort it all out. After getting it all out of his system he pointed at me with that left condemning finger, the anger and hurt blazing from his eyes and said "You Sir are going to go in rehab and get the proper help to get the hell of that shit once and for all! And hear me loud and clear, you're not doing this for me, for Cap or for Hug. You are going to do it for yourself by God! Do you understand me?!?"

I wanted to tell him yes, oh Lord God I wanted to tell him yes. I looked at him, shamefully, and said "I can't. I haven't hit my bottom yet Starsk" and that was like throwing gasoline on a raging fire! I had never in all my days seen him so angry and rightfully so. He grabbed me and slammed me against the wall and my head bounced off the wall from the impact several times. After that, he threw me down to the floor and started pounding on me like a man possessed even as weak and totally defenseless as I was at the time. I didn't put up a struggle because I knew I deserved it. If it somehow, someway made him feel better, I was OK with it. Then, all of a sudden, he pulled his gun out and cocked it and I thought for sure as possessed as he was at the time he was going to end my life right then and there. I didn't know what to do except to say something that would hopefully snap him out of what he appeared to be getting ready to do. I pulled the most courageous "Give me a reason" from my scared brain and that did bring him back to reality. He looked at me, then his gun, then me, then put the gun back in the holster. He straddled me and put his head down on my chest and just let the floodgate of emotions go. He cried tears of anger, betrayal and disappointment in me, his best friend. He cried for quite some time and believe it or not, the moment of clarity hit me. I stroked Starsky's hair and face and told him how sorry I was for being the cause of his hurt.

I told him I would willingly go into treatment because I knew it was the only answer. The moment of clarity came while Starsky cried on my chest and pointed his gun at me. Like I said earlier, I think I could have handled a chainsaw buzzing all over me versus hurting my very best friend and soul mate. I confessed everything to Cap who was very shocked but supportive and he made it possible for me to go into treatment. Had to go through seven days of torture. Vomiting, dry heaves, shaking, spitting up yellow fluid, sweats, the whole freakin' gamut. Had to wait seven days before I could see visitors and it was probably just as well. Starsky, Cap and Hug have not abandoned me and I consider myself so very fortunate.

I am in single and group therapy during the week and I have learned so much about myself. Lots of painful layers and garbage to get through. Starsky has been in counseling with me trying to work through many issues he has with my dishonesty, deceit and betrayal. It has been intense, emotional and at times very difficult for both of us. But we have vowed to get through it. I regularly attended NA Meetings and Starsky goes with me for support and to learn about what addiction is truly all about. It has helped him and me both as we journey together to understand very often the non-understandable. I have learned to live without it but still have my moments of pure weakness but I have learned to turn to people instead of dope. I've made some friends in the group, both male and female and we're always glad to see each other at the meetings.

I am learning the concept "One Day At A Time." I had a rather difficult time with the Higher Power but until Cap shared with me about his faith in God and did in such a respectful, gentle dignified way that it really got me to thinking about all that he said about God and how God has worked in his life and it all made good sense so I talked to Cap again and he helped me get started in the direction of accepting God as my Higher Power and he gave me a prayer book to help me learn how to pray.

I've been playing my guitar much more these days both as an outlet and a coping mechanism. I figure if I have my fingers on the strings I can't pick up a needle. I have to admit some days are easier than others! I am back to work and that helps too. Gives me something good to do. And that is where I am the most comfortable. I'm doing all the things I need to do to maintain. And I'm truly committed to stay the course. I know how very fortunate I am to have Starsky, Cap and Hug still in my life. How easily I could have lost all three of them.

As I look back, I marvel at the fact that to my knowledge no one ever suspected me of being back on the stuff because as I found out, a person can function normally on it and I must have within the realm of normality, functioned that way.

As I look forward, I'm not ever going to take up with that shit again. I feel confident that I won't with people I have in my life. I have all the faith in the world that I will be able to accomplish staying away from my needle, my love.

The End


End file.
